24 Feb

5 Golden Rules to Get Laid in Nairobi

Just realized that many of my brothers in Nairobi aren’t getting laid. At least not as often as many of them would have loved to.

Being a good guy I have always been, I decided to take two hours off my busy schedule and prepare this simple guide that those almost reaching their fapacity can read and finally find a way to get their rocks off the right way.

The cuffing season is almost out. The sun is planning to make a major comeback, and see to it that chicks in Nairobi go back to dressing less, exposing all the things that give guyz a hard-on

This guide particularly applies to those from upcountry. Or foreigners visiting the city for a short stay. Don’t leave town without shagging a Nairobian. There’s something special about them that you’ll only get to know by bedding one.

You should in fact be counting yourself lucky, ’cause Nairobi is one of the cities whose ladies make it a cinch getting picked. After all, no one paid to have the nookies patched on them—God gave them Gratis so why make it hard for men to hit it?

And he inspired me—just like he did with Mathew, Jeremiah and… you know, name them–to write this guide for you. So that those lucky enough to read it, should not continue fapping, but swallow the red pill and get a chance to splurge inside one of our Nairobian Rollas.

To hell with the further ado-ring, here comes the guide:

Learn the Demographic

Nairobi is one of the most populated cities in Africa, with an upward population of 3.2 million, all cramming on a 692 sq. km piece of land. That explains why the city is always jam packed with people always on a rush.

Considering you’re NOT gay and that you’re only interested in the female count, half of this population—assuming we have an equal number of men and women in Nairobi—must be women. That leaves you with about 1.6 million potential fuckees.

If half of them are married, hitched or just NOT bangable, you have roughly 800, 000 women left, a third of which might be interested in sleeping with you.

In other words, you have thousands of women strategically doled out all over Nairobi, just waiting for you to make a move and show them a good time.

If you reside in Nairobi or are planning for a permanent or longer stay, I’ll advise you hog as many as you possibly can and kick out dry spell. Remember the rule–two in a kitty is better than one.

Understand Nairobi Women

Nairobi women are foodies and love shopping. This makes restaurants and shopping malls the most promising pick up spots.

HBs love pizza and nyama choma. But the plain ones will give you a blowjob for fries and some kebab/sausage and cold soda. For PJs, you can plainly rob your wallet a few hundred shillings notes and buy them food. After all their food is cheap, and you won’t be suffering any major loss should they refuse to return the favour.

Though I don’t recommend taking a new plate on an eat-out before you’ve had a chance of banging her, you might want to ignore me on this one if you’re in Nairobi for a short stay or looking for some pump and dumb.

Nairobi has many tribes

As much as we try to steer away from anything tribal, we can’t escape the fact that Nairobi is a city of many tribes. Being aware of this might help you to calibrate your come-ons to suit the girl in picture.

Don’t go asking.

It goes like this, if the girl you’re after happens to be Kamba, then you’ll have an easy time pursing her. These are a little promiscuous. Have the minimal amount of shit tests. And if by any chance they are into you, they might ride you the very day.

Luhyas have esteem issues. So forget about negging.

Kikuyus are natural born gold-diggers. Be at your best game to get a chance with her. If she’s cute, then you’ll need all the negs you can come up with. More importantly, avoid spending on her on first date.

Luos, those with steatopygous, bubble asses, love bragging and showing off. If you got looks, she’ll probably want to show up with you at her place and crow to all her friends. Be smart enough to find a way to use that to your phallus interest.

Kalenjins are rarely pretty. And if you happen to find a pretty one she’ll probably be committed elsewhere. And mind you, they are no love rats. You might want to skip her and try your luck where it can pay off. Call it luck if you find a single one, then use the same tips we’ve given for the luhya lady to get her to bed.

Those are the common tribes you’re likely to come across. You’ll learn about the rest as time goes.

Her Number Doesn’t Mean Shit

Nairobi women flake a lot. And quite possibly, she’s in a relationship with someone half your SMV—though she won’t say it, mostly because she was USBing (Until Something Better shows up).

That means there’s a higher likelihood that she’ll give you her number. But it won’t mean shit.

Reason being Nairobi women dole their numbers to almost any guy who hits on them. They have the highest number of orbiters.

You’re lucky if she hasn’t [yet] put your number on a vibrate alert.

That still applies to a girl you had a one-night stand break with. Don’t let it get to you when you never get to hear from her again.

The point is to approach them with an open mind. Don’t put your hopes too high. But create intrigue, such that she’ll be the one doing the chasing after you split ways.

Act Fast

Your speed determines your fate.

Don’t be too direct. But find a way to make it happen soon enough.

Approach her without any hesitation, and be the man directing the conversation where you want it to go. Sexualize it after a few exchanges.

Don’t buy them drinks. All you have to do is hide your interest, keep fun and try as much to stay neutral.

Then wait for that perfect opportunity to strike. Act like the hunter you are, and when the opportunity to strike presents itself, be fast to enjoy the secret garden. That very day; not tomorrow or the day after.

Bonus Tip

There’s a new craze sweeping across town. I call it the sheesha fad. In a bid to emulate the ratchedness that seems to dominate the entertainment scene, Nairobian chicks have a crooked way of finding the habit of sheesha-smoking fashionable. It makes them look cool… and uptown-ish.

If you happen to fall among the small fraction of my readers that happen to be still in campus, do yourself a favour and buy a sheesha pot. You might NOT know how much of a pussy magnet it is until you get to bring one into your man cave.

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